Are we really marrying our Mothers and Fathers for a reason?


Well, maybe here is a theory  you haven’t thought of yet:

You’ve experienced many things that your Love-Mate has done that has left you wondering why.  Some of them are innocent, such as being late or or forgetting to pick up something on the way home from work, while others are more frustrating and at times, even soul wrenching.

Why does your mate get upset over somethings you do, which seem trival, and yet at other times portray a lot of patience over things that would normally break up, or at least overwhelm a couple?    The immediate responses such as your mate being upset over a forgotten errand are obvious, but the habitual behaviours are more likely the result of things that happened to your Love-Mate in childhood, which affects how they see the world today.

When you see someone who overreacts in a situation, you are most likely dealing with a Love-Mate who has some issue from childhood, an issue that is being stirred up in that particular instance. Your Love-Mate may have responded after the fact “It felt like something went off inside of me that I couldn’t control”.

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For example, if your mate gets cut off in trafffic one too many times, this ‘eventual’ event may have triggered how they were always subject to their siblings taking advantage of them, or their parents taking their younger sibling’s side all the time, making your mate at a younger age feeling powerless.  Now that your mate is an adult, they are not going to let anyone take advantage of them like they did when they were younger.  In effect, overcompensating for how they were treated as a child.  That overreaction to a problem is simply a protective mechanism that is overly functioning.

These childhood issues are referred to as “Shadows”.  Its not important that you know all of your love mate’s issues, but knowing the primary one would be helpful. Leonardo da Vinci talked about his primary fear that each person has and labeled it as each person’s Shadow, as a metaphor for a quality that each person has that they feel most ashamed about.  In response to a person’s Shadow, the individual attempts to compensate for this perceived deficit through over-compensation. (more on ‘Leonardo’s Shadows’ at the end of the article).

Your mate will begin to have control over their adult reactions if they begin to realize that they have this deeply embedded hurt within them that they need to address.

If they don’t address it, and simply blame their circumstances for their reactions, then their reactions will only grow stronger as they get older.  It doesn’t decrease with age.  Anxiety is like that.

This is why Love-Mates are so important to us all.  Based on all the incidents your mate encountered growing up, their mind formed an unconscious image of the type of Love-Mate that would be good for them (and them for you!), depending on how healthy or how disturbed their childhood was.  This image was formed over years of experiences and is thus deeply embedded within their mind.  So deep, in fact, that most people are not aware of how much it affects their judgment in regard to whom they choose to marry.

What is important is that this affects EVERYONE, whether they choose to be aware of it or not.  You may or may not know exactly the reasons why your mate picked you to be their Love-Mate, but part of their brain does.

And you thought it was because you were attractive?

It is certain that they told you this and it is equally believed that they actually believe this themselves.  That type of reasoning would explain why they asked (or accepted) you to go out to dinner, not to get married or be committed to.

What the brain is actually trying to do in marriage is pick a Love-Mate who will cause the individual to experience similar feelings that they had while growing up that were unresolved… and be able to resolve them in their marriage.

More background to this: Your Love-Mate (and you) are trying to heal your childhood injuries, or Shadows  (which incidentally everyone has, to some degree or another).  To do this, the brain must find a Love-Match who can accomplish two things:

1) Stir up those feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant, which they experienced growing up, and

2) form a bond with that individual that feels ‘safe’ so that they will stay in a relationship long enough for the relationship to heal those childhood injuries.

What often happens is that a lot of single people meet the first qualification and allow intimacy to happen too quickly and, thus, the relationship never makes it to the second element (marriage or committed arrangement).  No doubt there are certain couples who jumped into their committed relationship, which rarely last.  But what the focus of this article is about are for those marriages who dated long enough that each partner had plenty of time to end the relationship – and chose to marry anyway.

The fact that a couple got married says everything: the partners passed each other’s unconscious test which means that you both think each of you is good for the other, even when at times you don’t think so.

More on Leonardo da Vinci’s “Shadows”

If you want to know if something from your Love-Mate’s childhood is affecting them, look for the areas in their life where they respond disproportionately greater compared to the incident that is happening to them.  Look for areas where there is a pattern of overreacting and then you’ll understand that there is some area that is unresolved and needs addressing.  This may requires some therapy, and it is a bit of work sometimes.

However, it cannot be emphasized enough, the main goal of marriage from your brain’s point of view, is to heal childhood injuries – now an adult Shadow.

Here’s some examples:

..Perhaps you have noticed that there are some women who are overly nice, and the reason they are overly nice is because they fear being mean.  That deeply held fear that they might be mean is their Shadow.  They go overboard being nice so as not to be mean or give the appearance of being mean. There are some men who fear being stupid (their Shadow) and to compensate for this perceived flaw, they go overboard in asking questions or trying to prove how smart they are.  There are some individuals who work long hours, even sacrificing quality time with their families, to make lots of money because they fear they are weak.

There are some people who pick fights and bully and torture people so they can act tough because they fear deep inside that they are helpless.  When you see your Love-Mate or an individual working really hard in an area, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love what they’re doing, but in the core of their heart, you will usually find a place where they are trying to overcompensate for some fear and most of the time this fear is imagined.  As a Love-Mate, it can sometimes take years to discover this in your partner, so don’t jump to conclusions regarding your Love-Mates’ darkest fear.  It’s not always easy to discover, and, in truth, they probably are not aware of it.

But when you do, and you treat your Love-Mate with respect and compassion as they work their way through this fear and it’s related anxieties, your Love-Mate will be loyal to you in ways you cannot imagine.

(an exerpt taken from Relationship Headquarters ebook)